something sensitive

Okay. I am feeling a bit down. I can admit that to myself and acknowledge that I can feed the bummer by trying to figure it out with my thoughts. I roll it a few inklings of self doubt, “What am I doing with my life?” Now it's interested and has started to sink its teeth in, “Shit, I've got all kinds of stuff to do.” Now its little face is covered in crumbs. I can keep feeding the little guy until it eats itself to death.
I got bored. It died. I start to feel hopeful.
I may or may not appreciate a literary personification.
but i'm kind of stuck in one.
like wearing a mask of a mask.

Hopeful for what. New joys to catch in my greedy net. More joy more love more happiness. No not that again. I enjoy my core. I enjoy sensation in my pelvic floor. Sometimes I get so sad down there. Sometimes so sweet. I can grow accustomed. I can also grow. Hello(kindly) you have a choice. That is new. Kind of, but you know.
I can drop expectations. I can drop my shoulders. I would like for you to know that I love you. I want you to know that I love you. Parts that are grasping for God: what silliness is this? Love in stillness.

safflower and cottonseed
all i know is that i've formed some thoughts
on how
these oils aren't very good for
your body
but they sound like nice enough words
as they crawl into my half-sleep and
i might give
them to the box of unspeakable terms of endearment
where they settle
down my spine, in my hands
i am holding on to thoughts of you before bed
it sounds like sex
but is not
is not sex
its knot.
sex
all of this has nothing
and everything to do with you

i guess we are both between those
realizing the lie,
the hoax of loneliness;
felt good

my sister came back from the mountains
she seemed more fit
for what I don't exactly know
we were lying awake before sleep
she told me its easier to die out there
without mirrors its easier to see yourself
without showing others
you are shown
listening to her voice that people often mistake for mine
in the dark of our borrowed bedroom
i noticed her

evocative of today's weather

This is what I come up with
after all that
this is what I come up with?

Energies of the body that paint through me like phantoms
today I will decorate my face
to commemorate life
I would like to think my intentions sound
or at least in accord with benevolence
I'll take that rather than the knitting I do
to stave off longing
I embodies longing
I noticed once from some elevated perspective

I noticed once from some elevated perspective
what the physical world is
or was to me in that moment of observation
in the living room surrounded by things
raised surfaces, cushions, rugs,
film
All that is yielded from discomfort
and the pretension of ease

it must hurt so much to be human
with whetted thoughts
I am constantly cutting me off

Bodysong Part I

The sounds of my ovaries.

http://asianclassicalmp3.org/Udom_Silapin--Northern_Thai_Funeral_Music--Lao_Nok.mp3

Long time no see.

I looked at your face,
heart told my eyes what to see
I wanted you to know
when you're as lost as me
we cling to one another
and hope to be free

so for now take me in
let me in
and settle into me

beyond us there are more like us
we are the spinning sea
you and I will meet again
formless and embodied

I tried to rest my head upon your mutability
to stay here a while,
as a lover, as a child
in the sleepy world
and the enchanted wild

biding the time we invented
for the change I wanted
a change of heart is what I got
all this is going on
while all this is going on
and is going on
and is not.

Look

Keep in mind you're mind
keep in mind your mind

many times before it took an eye to find
I found these eyes temporarily mine

I keep trying to come out of this
when I may never come back in